My Aunt Diane couldn't make it to the gathering, so she called me early one morning to talk and before the conversation ended I laughed, cried, laughed a little more and cried again...she told me about my daddy. I heard about the little boy that slept between her and my Aunt T. The little boy that didn't like to do his homework, the one that listened to his older brother Alex more than his own mom b/c he knew Uncle Alex would whoop him! The little boy that would take the cat and throw it to see if it would really land on it's feet like they said it would. Most importantly (for me), how he came home from school one day and told everyone that he was going to marry "Gwadys" (he couldn't say Gladys)...and he did marry her. I learned a few things about him that day that I treasure b/c she gave me information that even my mother didn't have. She told me about my uncles and how intelligent they were, Valedictorians and Salutatorians of their graduating classes...she said "baby, where do you think y'all got those brains from?!" And then she told me how they grieved for him....I never thought of them grieving him! I always thought of my daddy...never grandmas son, their brother. I experienced WOW moments the entire conversation.
And then it hit me...avoidance wasn't the easiest thing! It may have "soothed" me in some way, you know "out of sight, out of mind." But, it was eating me up like a cancer on the inside all of my life. How do I know myself if I don't know where I came from?! I've been around my mother my entire life. I've got her and her family down. But, I am my fathers seed, he planted me here, I must know him and his family to know myself. I've heard about him my entire life, but grief, anger, frustration and so many other emotions kept me back from the immediate sources...direct connections to my father to KNOW him, to know them. I spent years avoiding one of my uncles... why I have no idea, I just did. I decided that day to at least hug him and say hello...it felt good. He's been around, wanting to know me, but, I've avoided him. Later on I talked with my mom and she told me "out of all of his brothers, he's the one with your dads characteristics!" The more she described my uncles character, it seemed as if she were describing me.
I said all of that because God is our father, He alone is the source. We are Gods seed, we are the righteousness of God, we are His inheritance, heirs and joint-heirs with Christ Jesus. But sometimes, "things" eat away at us and hold us back from truly knowing and experiencing God. So I ask, what's eating you...holding you back from the Father? Only He can tell you about you. Only He can soothe you, answer your questions, love you the way you need to be loved, hold you the way no one else has ever held you. Only He can make the pain go away. When you awake late at night and stare at the walls...that's Him saying "hello love, talk to me." But instead, that pain and hurt that's eating away in you will cause you to ignore the call.
We must learn to accept the love of God and then spread it abroad. There are hurting people all over the world because "my dad/mom didn't love me." Even those that feel as I once did "God doesn't like me." That's eating them. If we can burst our own bubbles to see what's eating away at someone else, we may just find the answers we've been searching for all along.