As I was riding the other day, I caught myself smiling for no reason. I started to laugh recalling the days of feeling that there was nothing to smile about. When I was younger, I not only hated my smile...I hated myself!
When I was younger, I didn't like me. I hated my life and wanted someone else's. This resulted in me throwing pieces of myself away, picking myself apart, and creating the perfect "me." I hated my hair, so I cut it off. I hated my skin tone...why couldn't I be a few shades lighter?! I hated my smile, so I stopped smiling. My hair grew back...so I dyed it and cut it off again. I hated my height, why couldn't I be tall like my dad, heels...that'll fix that! My laugh, gosh I can't stand it...so I changed that too. I dissected myself into many pieces. I enhanced what I liked and threw away what I thought to be useless pieces of me.
Because my enemy knew that I hated myself, he jumped on board. He would send others my way to validate my thoughts. They would tell me how ugly I was, how I would never be anything, and had nothing to offer. A doctor once told me that because of my childhood experiences, I would never be what I really wanted to be...a nurse. He told me that my dreams were unrealistic. I wasn't allowed to join the "clicks" at school...I didn't fit. I was ostracized for not looking a certain way or having certain things. And so this new person that I created hit a downward spiral. I became even angrier! I fought, drank, smoked, partied...if there was a "thou shalt not" before it, I said "I shall." I had to feed the angry, bitter, hurt, lost person that I was!
So often we look in the mirror without actually looking at ourselves. We see ourselves quickly, but do we actually STOP and look at the reflection that's looking back at us? One day, I took a really good look at Leola...my mirror was the word of God. I realized that I didn't hate myself, I was hating God. Genesis 1:27 "so God created man in His own image." Each part of my being is a part of God and I had thrown pieces of Him away. He begin to tell me what my natural father couldn't. He told me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). He told me that my end wouldn't be like my beginning...that He had an expected end for me (Jeremiah 29:11). That everything I've endured was going to work together for my good (Romans 8:28). And that even though my biological father was deceased, I still have a Father (Psalms 68:5). That I didn't have to defend myself because He would (Deut. 10:18). God let me know that I was not here alone, fatherless, hopeless as I've always believed.
My Father's words built me. I accepted the fact that He is enough. What He says is enough. How He feels about me, it's enough. I have God's DNA. Just as any great father does, He sent people into my life to build me in Him. He literally loved the HELL out of me. He loved me into the person that I am today. Now, I can't stop smiling..and I love it! I love me because I learned to accept God's love for me. I learned to accept Him as enough.
When I was younger, I didn't like me. I hated my life and wanted someone else's. This resulted in me throwing pieces of myself away, picking myself apart, and creating the perfect "me." I hated my hair, so I cut it off. I hated my skin tone...why couldn't I be a few shades lighter?! I hated my smile, so I stopped smiling. My hair grew back...so I dyed it and cut it off again. I hated my height, why couldn't I be tall like my dad, heels...that'll fix that! My laugh, gosh I can't stand it...so I changed that too. I dissected myself into many pieces. I enhanced what I liked and threw away what I thought to be useless pieces of me.
Because my enemy knew that I hated myself, he jumped on board. He would send others my way to validate my thoughts. They would tell me how ugly I was, how I would never be anything, and had nothing to offer. A doctor once told me that because of my childhood experiences, I would never be what I really wanted to be...a nurse. He told me that my dreams were unrealistic. I wasn't allowed to join the "clicks" at school...I didn't fit. I was ostracized for not looking a certain way or having certain things. And so this new person that I created hit a downward spiral. I became even angrier! I fought, drank, smoked, partied...if there was a "thou shalt not" before it, I said "I shall." I had to feed the angry, bitter, hurt, lost person that I was!
So often we look in the mirror without actually looking at ourselves. We see ourselves quickly, but do we actually STOP and look at the reflection that's looking back at us? One day, I took a really good look at Leola...my mirror was the word of God. I realized that I didn't hate myself, I was hating God. Genesis 1:27 "so God created man in His own image." Each part of my being is a part of God and I had thrown pieces of Him away. He begin to tell me what my natural father couldn't. He told me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). He told me that my end wouldn't be like my beginning...that He had an expected end for me (Jeremiah 29:11). That everything I've endured was going to work together for my good (Romans 8:28). And that even though my biological father was deceased, I still have a Father (Psalms 68:5). That I didn't have to defend myself because He would (Deut. 10:18). God let me know that I was not here alone, fatherless, hopeless as I've always believed.
My Father's words built me. I accepted the fact that He is enough. What He says is enough. How He feels about me, it's enough. I have God's DNA. Just as any great father does, He sent people into my life to build me in Him. He literally loved the HELL out of me. He loved me into the person that I am today. Now, I can't stop smiling..and I love it! I love me because I learned to accept God's love for me. I learned to accept Him as enough.
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